I would like to share the background story of my artwork and tell you about the day that was both a curse and a blessing. It has taken me a lot of courage to write these lines, because it is very difficult to put the pain I feel into words. As I write this, the tears are rolling down my face, but I know that I am not alone in this story and that there are many people who can empathise with this pain.
Firstly, I would like to give a content warning: If topics like suicide are close to you, be warned and only read this if you feel ready.
Now let me tell you about the day in question, which I will never forget. A curse and a blessing at the same time. I was travelling along the road on my bike because I wanted to visit someone. On my way I met them, this person I've known for so long. The person with whom I have shared sleepover parties and hikes. The person who always had a smile on their face and a silly joke to tell. The fact that we met was pure coincidence, as we saw less and less over the years. But it was this person you meet by chance and it's just like it used to be.
"How nice to see you! How are you?" I asked. We talked a bit and they told me that it was a difficult time for them at the moment. Money was tight and life seems hard. While the person was telling me this, they were also laughing from time to time, as if they were facing the pain with humour. I tried to cheer them up and promised that I would get in touch soon, so that we could talk again in peace and quiet. I could come to their new flat. But then I had to move on because I was on my way to visit another friend…
A few days later, I wrote a text to the person in question and said that I was pleased to see them and asked when we could meet up. I had already thought about making them a small gift basket for their new flat. However, the person never read this text and we would never see each other again. Because one day after we met, they took their own life. I didn't know that at the time. I found out later because I saw the numerous posts on social media expressing their condolences. "Rest in peace" someone wrote on the Facebook pin wall at the time. It must be a stupid joke, I thought to myself. We only saw each other recently. That can't be true! So I rang our mutual friend. "Why do people write things like that?" I asked her. She replied in a muffled voice, "Don't you know yet?"... And when I did know, I couldn't understand it. I was in a state of shock. Frozen in a state of shock.
And it plagued me.
Why didn't I get in touch sooner?
Why didn't I notice anything?
Why did you do that?
Why didn't you want to live?
Then I thought about your family. Your siblings, who I've also known since I was a child, and your mum.
So many people love you so much. We will never forget you.
It hurts so much to write these words and I want you to know that you will never be forgotten!
There are many people who share the pain of losing a loved one and sometimes it comes so unexpectedly that it knocks you off your feet.
The "why" will probably remain forever. And often in these moments we don't have the words. That's why I painted the pain.
In the river of life, we are sometimes swept away. People, moments and opportunities slip away from us. They are simply stolen from us. During these times, we need a hand to hold us so we don't sink.
This can be many things.
For me personally, it is my faith. I know that I am in God's hands and that he will catch me if I fall.
And I want to believe that all the loved ones that we lose rest in God's hands.
So I thank God that I saw you before you were gone. Thank you for this blessing and curse.
A Compassionate Note to Our Readers:
If you're feeling overwhelmed, distressed, or are struggling with thoughts of sadness or suicide, please know that you are not alone. Your mental health is invaluable, and there are people who deeply care about you and your well-being.
Please, reach out for support. For your readers in the United States:
988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline: This is a nationwide service that offers support for individuals in distress, including those experiencing suicidal thoughts or mental health crises. People can access help by:
Calling or texting 988.
Chatting online at 988lifeline.org. This service also provides specialized support for veterans, LGBTQ+ individuals, and offers services in Spanish.
Crisis Text Line: For those who prefer texting, they can text "MHA" to 741741 to connect with a trained crisis counselor.
General Mental Health Resources: The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) offers various resources, including coping strategies and data on mental health. They also reinforce the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline as a primary contact point for immediate help. More information can be found on their website, CDC Suicide Prevention.
For your readers in the United Kingdom:
NHS Mental Health Services: The NHS provides comprehensive mental health services, and readers can access information and support through their website.
Samaritans: This is a UK-based service offering emotional support to anyone in emotional distress or at risk of suicide. They can be reached at 116 123 and provide 24/7 support.
Mind: This UK mental health charity offers information, support, and has a helpline available for those who need immediate help. More information can be found on their website.
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